When one surveys the vast array of Big Data tomes and
the even vaster output of the regularly amazing Big Data bullshit babblers, one
thing that strikes you immediately is that Big Data isn’t explained starting
with a story about the marvellous useful applications that you might imagine are
generating all of this additional Big Data, but instead they almost invariably dwell
on all of the data generated by social media applications of dubious business
value and even more dubious social value.
Basically we are being led to believe that applications
of peripheral interest, that is, peripheral in the grander scheme of things,
are capable of simultaneously meeting almost all of our immediate needs and also
of generating a voluminous wealth of data detritus that is somehow going to
bring about an amazing economic revolution, the awesome galvanising of
innovation and the creation of absolutely fabulous riches beyond the dreams of
avarice.
What’s more, every day some Big Data proselyting dope has
a cunning plan and pops up on the web like a drunken gopher with some extrapolating
and theorising boloney about the quite unusual successes of very unusual
businesses such as Facebook, Twitter and Google and then hammers square pegs
into round holes in order to produce a generalised theory of awesome Big Data irksome-foolishness
that will certainly mean, without a doubt, that we will see the raising of the luck
and fortunes of all businesses, everywhere, if only they would buy into the Big
Data religion, now.
If you don’t believe me then check it out for
yourself. For example, take a look at the Big Data channel over on LinkedIn,
now that it’s been apparently taken over by the master guru of astro-turfing Big
Data bullshit and babble himself, it now comes with wall to wall Big Data hype,
and it’s all the same, and it’s all so obviously wrong that it makes you wonder
if LinkedIn is not deliberately converting itself into some species of
professional laughing academy, for idiots by idiots, with no room for even the occasionally
and superficially contrarian.
In fact, looking at some of the latest blunderbuss blasts
of blatant bullshit I am reminded of the quote ascribed to Groucho Marx which I
will makeover for modern-day consumption: “These are my Big Data principles,
and if you don't like them... well, I have others.”
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